i think i got the answer!

recently i've been praying hard,
for a dilligent spirit and to hear PaPa talking to me.
but it's so difficult to attain what i want.
i've been slacking a lot in my studies,
and it seems so hard to hear from Him.

yesterday night i did my quiet time,
then, i prayed and tried to listen to the Lord.
well as you can read, i tried.
but i guess i was impatient and limiting the way God speaks to me.
so in the end i couldn't take it and collapsed into slumberland.

this morning when i was having breakfast with a sister i sort of complained to her.
i told her i was trying very hard to listen to PaPa.
then she jumped up and said,"No wonder God gave me this word yesterday!"
and she told me that yesterday night when she was doing her quiet time,
God said"Be patient and hope in Him. though He is quiet, He has a lot to say."
so i guess i should be patient and have a open mind.
not limiting God in revealing Himself to me.
and so i prayed.

at the same time, i was praying for a direction from God too.
guess i knew my heart's desire.
but i need a confirmation from God.
so happily and eagerly i went to service.
the sermon was great. it spoke to me.
and somehow it answered my prayer and gave me confirmation.

i prayed for direction right..
i knew my real desire goes all the way back to the time when i fell deeply in love with Jesus.
and God gave me a confirmation when Tom Richardson spoke about evangelism,
He was nudging my heart and gave me the names of a friend and my cousin amos.
i knew what i really wanted to do.
i wanted to do more than reaching out to these 2 people.
i know i want to put all my heart and soul and mind in for Jesus.
so, i've decided what to reject and what to reach out for.

yep, and i know for sure when i reject that,
its not gonna hurt.
cos greater challenges, joy and treasures are waiting for me.
thank you Lord for revealing, love You PaPa!
;)

don slack anymore!

Now it's 1230 in the morning.
should be sleeping but unable to get to sleep.
reflect upon what happened today.

actually felt kinda lousy that i didn't manage to finish my script analysis this morning.
sigh.
and a few more movie critiques to go.
i'm getting too slack.
BUCK UP amanda tan!!
u can do it!
JiaYou!! ;)

ahh...gotta go talk to Big PaPa now. update u guys more tomorrow.
love y'all! ;)

my studies my dream

i guess it's time i do something about myself.
you know, yesterday i was thinking.
what if i couldn't pass my poly life? or NIE?
or what if i can't make it to DHL(Directors' Honours List)?
yes, you got it, i was afraid.
really afraid.
i need to pick myself up and do some serious studying.
yep, no more slacking.

i never really wanted to be a teacher.
well, u ask me why i chose this path?
hmmm...'cause my momma and i both agreed that being a teacher
has loads of benefits.
what i really want to do, is to be an actor.
a real famous one.
and one that's not afraid to show her work.
even if it's politically incorrect.
lols.

yes, that's what i really want to be.
but no worries, after my 5-year bond with MOE,
if i have the ability and if God allows me,
i'll leave the teaching line.

for now, i need to focus on God and my studies.
yep, that's what i'll do.

Arella looked at her mother's back, she felt a gush of venom flood through her veins.
i hope you know that i hate you. i really do.
you are just like the rest, just like the rest.
Arella clenched her fist, her face emotionless.
there's no spirit in her eyes.
people say that eyes are the windows to the soul, but you see nothing in Arella's eyes.
only a bottomless pit.
into Arella's ears flowed her mother's cold and sarcastic remarks,
she tried blocking them out but they just won't go.
worse, they shot right up to her brain and hooked themselves onto it.
O poor Arella!
She's a confused warrior fighting a battle in herself.
Arella turned her head and went into her room.
she kept her mouth shut and started writing with her thoughts.
Narrowed her eyes, she saw the messy, anguished scrawlings on the walls of her mind.
they made her delirious, she felt the strength in her pen increased.
the sharp tip of it scratched the walls and blood oozed out.
she looked at the crimson pool and heaved a sigh,
and let the pen fell onto the floor with a clank,
Arella slid down and found herself on a block of ice, exhausted.
she laid down and fell into a deep sleep, it's time to freeze my heart, soul and mind.
keep me in a cold ice coffin and bury me under heaps and heaps of snow,
now, let me rest in peace. For i am tired.
Never! Arella O Arella, you think people around you will let you rest?
O ho ho! NO! they'll push you and toss you and make you work till you are nothing to them.
even when you're exhausted, as long as you're of value to them, they'll drag you to your feet and make you work! work! work!
Let me go! O please, please! Arella gave a long scream.
Let me die! for i do not want to live like this! i don't want... i don't want...
darkness flashed before Arella's eyes, her breath was robbed from her nostrils and her lips turned a shade of purplish black.
it was the best ending for Arella, she finally found her window of release.

我还是人么？
我觉得自己像个空壳体。
我似乎知道自己在做什么，
不过，不知为何要这样做。

每天走过回家的路上，灵魂却不知在哪儿。
身边的人都变得模糊不清，好像我与环境隔离。
我做很多事，但却不知道为什么，
为什么我在那么的拼命。
是因为我到了事业与学业的瓶颈了么？
或许我生活也到了瓶颈。
每天把自己该做的都做好，
似乎没什么问题对吧？
可是，我却觉得生命的意义不在了。
我只是一台机器，是死的。
除非，我能找到生命的“为什么”。

更令我诧异的是，我在看别人或事时，
我是那么的感性、情绪化。
看到老人我会鼻酸、怜悯，
看到小鸟受伤我会心疼，
看电影我会哭、我会大笑，
看到小孩儿我爱逗他们笑。
不过，当我反省自己的生命时，
我却一点情绪都没有，
好像心已陷入麻木的状态了。
什么感觉都没有，一点都没有。

为什么？为什么？为什么？
我生命的“为什么”到底是什么？
不愿再想，就此搁笔。
因为我知道总有一天，我会找到答案的。