Monday, January 30, 2006

回忆是死的。

我不想在触碰它。

它死了,就不要让它有复活的机会。

除非我要它死而复生,但我会那么笨要折磨自己么?

过了就让它走吧,是放手的时候了。

人生如戏曲,每一折“故事”演过了就算过了,已是回忆,偶而回味一下还好。

注意哦;我说的是回味里头的雅趣而不是用来折磨自己的工具。

好啦,放手让它走了。轻松多了。

Saturday, January 28, 2006

让我狂笑

感觉好无助哦。

想忘记一段回忆,它却死赖着不走。

想把心里的灰心丧气都哭出来,眼泪却爱跟我作对。

心里的热血是多么的澎湃,外表却是多么的冷冻。

我想我已忘了怎么哭泣。

这算是坚强么?我希望是吧。

因为这种感觉真的很难受,若这样是坚强的话,那还算值得。

哈!我怎么那么沮丧啊?

也许狂笑一场会让烦恼暂时说 bye bye, 但愿它迷路、回不来我心林。

咱们一起狂笑吧!哈哈哈哈!

别人可能会说我神经有问题,谁管他呢?!

哈哈哈哈哈哈!

where did " i " go?

i realised i've changed alot. alot alot alot.

when i was in secondary school, i used to jump up n down, messin' with people's hair, laughing out loud at little things & jokes. i WAS young, cheerful, bubbly and vivacious.

but NOW, i'm like a working adult. im more serious, exhausted from all the work load & socialising, too tired to laugh, rush here & there, extra cautious with the words i use.

i want the previous me back. i want the 'secondary school' me back.

if i can turn the time back, i want to extend my secondary school years. i don want the 4 years to end. NEVER.

i miss myself, the real me (or should i say the simple me?), the me before.

我想念以前的‘我’,这个‘我’到底去了哪里?

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

-pull my hair-
ARRGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I"M DAMN EXHAUSTED!!!
GIMME REST PLEASE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
BLEAH!!!!
='(
im damn tired.
tired of work and assignments.
went to 3 meetings today. first 2 meetings are alright, but the last one is like totally extra la.
cant stand the arrogance of the MCM & FSV peeps!!!
ARRGH!!!
had a long talk with yuan zi. talked about rlsp thg u noe..
sigh...i just hoped im not that bothered about the whole matter.
& yuan zi, i dunno what to tell u but like the old saying: let time wash away the hurt bah.
Get on with life, brother!

[sigh...i dunno why im so damn affected by ur posts on blog. u know i wont be having a bf in the near future, so please don torture urself with that "punch" will ya..?
arrggh!!! & u still don want to talk to me. i mean, cant we even talk like...like friends?!
sigh..ha! i dunno how to get this across to you, but i just want to tell u we're still good friends ok?
yar..& u do take care bah..]

Ronnie dear, im so glad we got in touch again. n yep, we can meet up for dinner one day, or come to church with me one day yea..? haha! got loads to update each other i guess. haha!

gotta go do my work le..tho' my eyelids drooping..so cya guys ard!
tata, sweeties!

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

busy schedule, heavy workload

now in school.
meeting with my school director and principal at 5pm, for the open house briefing.
im damn busy and exhausted over these meetings--for open house, Tile Genie competition and CHS camp.
not that im not enjoying them, but sometimes it could be pretty tiring, especially with my assignments load. but i know i can cope.
the joy of the Lord is my strength! yay!

3 meetings tomorrow:
1. 9am-12pm--> "tile genie comp" briefing 1.
2. 3pm-4plus--> open house (HMS) briefing
3. 6pm-8pm --> open house (FMS & HMS) briefing
tight schedule yea..? more meetings to come but i think it's okei la..i mean, when i work in the future,it'll be like that too. so why not start early?haha!

let's take a look at my assignments:
1. music & lyrics ppt (modern china)
2. chinese lit project (Hong Lou Meng)
3. music & lyrics essay (write & anaylse)
4. proposal essay (thank God it's pairwork, the load's heavy)
5. music & lyrics analyst report (Xin Yao)
pray that i can finish by the deadline. yes, i can...-woozy-
yawnzZZz...cant take it le, must take a nap first..cya sweeties..!

Sunday, January 22, 2006

today's service was touching!
when pastor benny ho made the altar call, i don know why, my tears just came gushing out.
it wasnt tears of sadness nor tears of joy. but smthg else i don understand.
i was talking to Him in the Spirit and He was flowing through me, so thoroughly that i just don want to stop talking to Him. i just don want to stop.
i know at that moment He knows me inside out. i felt naked before Him, but i don care. i want Him to know me, my everything, my character/personality, my thoughts etc..everything!
i love Him, don want to stop loving Him.

if i were to say i have no feelings at all for him, i guess im lying. but i know i must learn from my lesson: make Jesus my lover first, my King, my all. then, He'll choose the one for me.
shared this with verene, and we got to an understanding that God makes us understand many things, even through much pain and sorrow. it's all worth it, cos i learnt what God wants me to learn.

now, im gonna focus on worshipping Him everyday and be a witness for Him to people in my life. will continue to put my concentration on my school work and serving ministries. pray that the Holy Spirit will gimme wisdom and guide me whether its n my school work or serving ministries. pray for boldness and a heart of compassion to reach out to the lost sheeps out there.
campus ministry, here we come!

pray that as i worship Him everyday, i'll be able to know what He wants me to do.
cos Lord, i don want to rely on myself, but on You. cos Father, You're the chef while im only the spoon. as long as You think i can aid You, raise me up to be Your vessel cos i am willing to obey.

im gonna praise and worship Him all day manz!
u wanna know why..?
cos im His princess and His praiser.
cos i have all the reasons to praise Him and give Him thanks!
He did so much for me!
how could i not praise Him?!
shout to the Lord your God with GREAT joy!
cos He's worth it!

God is good all the time!
may He fill our hearts with His joy cos................
the Joy of the Lord is my Strength!

shalom, sweeties!

Friday, January 20, 2006

work are piling up. more!more!more! & more!

i never thought i would become a bulimic workaholic.

nah..just pulling your leg. workaholic-yes. bulimic-no.
i enjoy doing my work, im used to occupying myself with assignments and events. i'll feel extremely guilty if i rest for more than half an hour. see,that's how workaholic i am. but i like it! i mean, i wont work till i 4get God la. But other than God, me-work; work-me.
as for "bulimic"case, for the past few days i've been vomitting at least 1 meal per day, but now im feeling betta. no more puking, but more of the urge and feeling of puking, which makes me sick!bleah!

well,to many out there: being a leader aint easy. our views may differ from the others. people may heap insults on u or hate u or backstab u,we may have setbacks or failure in certain things that we do, but we cannot be depressed. in fact, we shld bounce-back and persevere. we can be stirred but not shaken. persevere to victory!

坚持,就是胜利!-蔡耀正之言

Saturday, January 14, 2006

M i hearing God's voice?
sometimes i really wonder.
when stephen Goh said,"My sheep hears My voice."
i felt like crying.
cos i don think im hearing Him.
i felt at lost, u know, like a kid who got lost in this ultra BIG mall, trying to find his dad.

i ask my brothers and sisters how do i identify His voice.
we have to build on this rlsp with Him through worship, reading His word and talking to Him.
we have to be still to let Him speak to us.
if our spirit is filled with other emotions and other people's words, how are we going to hear Him? how is His peace and spirit going to set upon us?
i realised i do my reading of His word and talking to Him as a daily ritual already. it's not coming right from my heart. that's why i do not understand His heart, i could not feel His heartbeat.

so, this morning from 12am to 2am and 10am to 11am, i stayed awake to worship him with my body,soul and spirit.
i talked to Him and talked to Him and talked to Him.
and i read His word.
i felt in peace when i worship Him like that, with all my heart and soul.
Isaiah 1:19 "if you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the best from the land"
i know He wants me to continue to worship Him in this way, everyday of my life. He wants to draw me closer to Him and into a higher level of our rlsp. He wants me to be willing to co-op with Him in this "project", i know He wants to grow me into a lily of His.
its time i spend A LOT more QUALITY time in worshipping Him and being still and seeking His face.

i am willing to co-op with Him.
i want to be a lily of Yours, PaPa!

ciao, people!

Monday, January 09, 2006

hey im back. after loads of happening stuff.

rained heavily these few days. walking in the rain feels good. being drenched make me feel happy. people might think im crazy, but who cares?

he was the one who initiated it but i was the one taking it so easy. i didnt cry. not a tear, why..?
i dunno. -shrugs- no idea.

oh, but i cried today, cos i got a F for my writcom assignment. not enough citations. sigh. damn disappointed in myself.

cried out all pent up anger, disappointment, sadness of the past few days.
after crying, i feel so much betta.

crying in the rain, wonderful scene.
"i like crying in the rain cos no one knows im crying. behind my smile is everything u'll never understand." -some1 out there.