I lost it. I lost my cool and yelled at my 3-year-old daughter, Sophie. The guilt is not really because of the yelling but because I know the real reason I yelled was purely cos I was dealing with my own anger and she stepped on my tail, somehow. Oh gawd, the fear in her eyes when I yelled and the burst of tears as she cried her fears out. The guilt and resentment towards myself hit me so hard. If I yelled because she did something wrong, it was justified and I won't feel the guilt. Probably the anger and disappointment but definitely not the guilt. But now it's just loads of guilt and resentment and tears. We apologized to each other and made up but I know the fear is still there. I'm afraid of myself too. I really lost control this time and that made me really scared. What will I do after delivery of Stephan? 😭
Saturday, August 19, 2017
Yes, you read right. I'm pregnant again. Now in my 19th week, with a huge tummy. I think I'm going through depression. I get upset and afraid easily, without any reason. I cry and sob alone with frustrations these few days. Once was in the toilet at my workplace, once in the middle of the night in bed and the other time was just now, while I was showering. I hate it. These horrible emotions that I get and the negative thoughts in me. I feel really alone, like, no one can understand. Fear, loneliness and helplessness are the constant in my life now. Some times these makes me think if I should be pregnant. Or worse, if I should be alive.
Sunday, July 10, 2016
A couple of weeks ago, I read an article on people planning their funeral beforehand. That inspired me to do the same.
I don't want my funeral to be of any religion, well, because my relationship with God is personal. My funeral is not a place for religious people to shove their beliefs down people's throat.
I want my funeral to be a party. There needs to be yummy comfort food and drinks, live band to play my favorite songs and my guests dressed in bright colours, please.
I would like my photos to be displayed all around so that people could see and reminisce the times we spent together. They will know that I may not be physically around anymore but our memories live on and may the impact I left in their lives continue forever.
Right now at this stage of my life, I wouldn't say I'm afraid of death but I'm not ready to leave my beloved family and friends yet. I still have much yet to be done and I need to stay alive to complete them. Yup, I'll stay very alive, no worries.