Dreaming. (in Bangkok)

Third day of being sick in Bangkok. Feeling lousy now, down with a cold and slight fever.

After 2 months of settling down in Bangkok, I guess I've accomplished quite a bit.

I set up a club for expat ladies and organized quite a number of activities.

In these two months, I realized I did not plan for a life away from teaching.

My whole working life is teaching, teaching and more teaching.

This period of time, many business ideas popped into my mind and I did plenty of research and preparation, however, I lacked the courage to step up and do it.

It's not easy for me.

Now, the dream that I always hold, should I make it come true?

Am I able to make it come true?

Publish my works, how should I go about doing it?

Am I wishing for the impossible? To let my words be read and understood, this dream seems so near yet so far.

Ri asked me if I am ready for this.

She told me that if my works are all done and organized, then go for it.

I know, it's not completely ready.

I want to include more, this project ain't perfect yet.

But I wished someone can read my work and tell me if they're good enough for the readers out there.

Someone, where are you?

结婚

         当朋友们听到我要结婚消息时，都惊讶地叫道：“真的吗？”
真的，绝对没说谎。大家都难以置信，因为我是一个非常崇尚自由的现代女性，不喜欢被约束的女生。怎么会踏进这个永远无法逃脱的笼子呢？这个隐形的头箍，那个叫做婚姻誓约的紧箍咒，我真的愿意吗？
我的好姐妹们说我千万不能逃婚，我只是得了婚前恐惧症。或许吧，但是我总觉得我是不想放弃那个能够拥有选择的自己。我不是说婚后就没得选择了，而是因为婚后不是一个人的人生了。无法在拥有“自己选”的自由，所以我害怕。 婚后，大大小小的事情都要讨论才能决定，因为多了一样东西叫做“负责任”。
“负责任”是一个巨大的灯泡。它是前提，是先决条件。它总是把前面的路照明，让你无法不去正视每条路的坑和风景，每个选择的利与弊。 负责任。不就是要面对每个决定的后果么？我常常告诉我的学生：做每个决定之前要三思，想一想你是否能负起责任。就是因为我的这个原则，我犹豫、迟疑。而左思右想后，还是非常懦弱地步入婚姻的道路。
但是谁晓得结婚后，我发现自己其实还蛮喜欢这个所谓的‘紧箍咒’，因为他很爱我。对他来说：我是他的唯一，所以他处处让着我，几乎我全部的决定他都OK。我想这就是我们相爱的方式：他要我依赖他而我要他给我自由。所以，我偶尔依赖换来他赐我自由。但是，我越依赖就越不想自由。请不要搞错，我还是要自由只是我发现如果不依赖他就没法生存。很病态，对么？就这样，他依赖着我的依赖，而我仗着他的依赖换取我负责任的自由。
我知道这个爱的方式很难理解，有些人可能还会觉得我们病态。但是这就是我们，我们会先一起溺死在这种爱里，然后再一起往自由复生。这一切会一直循环，因为这就是我们相爱生存的方式与生活。

Publish...aye or nay?

I want to publish my book of poetry.
I want people to read and exclaimed, "She knows! She knows what life is, what I'm going through!"
I want my poetry to speak to my readers, pierce through them and give them that revelation that they need.

But...

Do you think I have the ability to do that?
I wrote and am still writing.
I have the works but I don't have the courage to step out and publish them.

I do not deny that I am satisfied proud of my work. I love what I wrote.
But I am not sure if the readers out there will love it.

So...

Publish...aye or nay?