The guilt of yelling

I lost it. I lost my cool and yelled at my 3-year-old daughter, Sophie. The guilt is not really because of the yelling but because I know the real reason I yelled was purely cos I was dealing with my own anger and she stepped on my tail, somehow. Oh gawd, the fear in her eyes when I yelled and the burst of tears as she cried her fears out. The guilt and resentment towards myself hit me so hard. If I yelled because she did something wrong, it was justified and I won't feel the guilt. Probably the anger and disappointment but definitely not the guilt. But now it's just loads of guilt and resentment and tears. We apologized to each other and made up but I know the fear is still there. I'm afraid of myself too. I really lost control this time and that made me really scared. What will I do after delivery of Stephan? 😭

Preggers again

Yes, you read right. I'm pregnant again. Now in my 19th week, with a huge tummy. I think I'm going through depression. I get upset and afraid easily, without any reason. I cry and sob alone with frustrations these few days. Once was in the toilet at my workplace, once in the middle of the night in bed and the other time was just now, while I was showering. I hate it. These horrible emotions that I get and the negative thoughts in me. I feel really alone, like, no one can understand. Fear, loneliness and helplessness are the constant in my life now. Some times these makes me think if I should be pregnant. Or worse, if I should be alive.

What to do when I die

A couple of weeks ago, I read an article on people planning their funeral beforehand. That inspired me to do the same.
I don't want my funeral to be of any religion, well, because my relationship with God is personal. My funeral is not a place for religious people to shove their beliefs down people's throat.
I want my funeral to be a party. There needs to be yummy comfort food and drinks, live band to play my favorite songs and my guests dressed in bright colours, please.
I would like my photos to be displayed all around so that people could see and reminisce the times we spent together. They will know that I may not be physically around anymore but our memories live on and may the impact I left in their lives continue forever.
Right now at this stage of my life, I wouldn't say I'm afraid of death but I'm not ready to leave my beloved family and friends yet. I still have much yet to be done and I need to stay alive to complete them. Yup, I'll stay very alive, no worries.

Disappointing

Have you ever had that feeling of looking forward to something and then BAMWHAM!!! that something just didn't happen afterall..?
It is such a lousy feeling. I've been looking forward to supper with my ❤. For the whole day, I ate very little cos we agreed on going for steamboat supper. Then, when night came, we decided not to have steamboat cos his friends wanted to have it tomorrow night. Fine, so let's have something else. So, I'm hungry and dirty as I planned to shower only after I return from supper. Thus, we decided on zi char near home.
Who knows...our Lil Sophie refused to sleep till just now. So ❤ said that he'll just dabao back home. Imagine my disappointment...I expected steamboat then took quite a while to changed my mind to zi char...then now say not going out for supper, I've anticipated for the whole day looking forward to supper date night with my ❤. Worse still...going to dabao Indian food which I don't eat.
Now...I'm having 一肚子的火。老娘现在又累又饿又脏...气到...我头好疼哦... ARRGGHHH!!! 😠

Maybelline Lip Flush Bitten Lip

Alright, new makeup, AGAIN.

This time I got 3 for the price of 2! So, I got these three colours. OR01, RD03 and PK02. 

I like the moisturising texture of these lipstick. And the fact that I don't need to blend out lip product for the gradient lip effect really won my vote. 
Here are the lip stick swatches!

If you wanna go for a pop art look, then get the PK02, the pink is super outstanding.

OR01 definitely goes well with our Asian skin colour and portrays a very subtle yet refreshing look. 

My fave will definitely be RD03!!! The colour and gradient effect are natural, not as "barbie" as its pink counterpart. 

So, I got all three for 33.80SGD at Guardian Pharmacy as they have the "3for2" sale right now. If not, you can also get it at 14.90SGD each at Watson's.

UPDATES!!!

Ok, updates. *blows away the dust from this blog*

What can I say? The last time I posted here...was 2 years ago, before my daughter was born. Yups, that was a loooooonnnnnng time ago. I celebrated my 3rd wedding anniversary. My daughter is turning 2 years old in about 1.5 months. I went back to work in year 2015 and left the service in year 2016. Ohhh yaasss...I QUIT!!! FINALLY!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

Yes, I am very happy that I quit my job as a MOE teacher. But I turned to tutoring, which is teaching as well. However, I think I'll go back to getting a job next year. I need colleagues and a purpose to wake up to everyday. This time, I'm gonna be a translator. Like, a legit one, not a freelance but a full-time translator. 

I realised I WANT to be an OL. I want to wake up everyday, put on my makeup, decide on my work wear and walk in my high heels with my staff pass hanging on my neck. Then, gather with my colleagues during lunch time, wallet and mobile phone in my hand, deciding what to eat for lunch. I want to gather in conference room or pantry for meeting, with a cuppa and scheduler in my hand. Then, sit in my cubicle and typing away furiously, editing the ridiculous translations that computers generated and emailing them to my team mates.

OMG! I am feeling excited just imagining these! Of course, after work I'll rush home to spend some time with my daughter. Then, Friday nights and weekends will be reserved for my precious loved ones. Just the thought of living the above mentioned pumps me with adrenaline. Working alone and being self-employed/freelance isn't something I want in a long run. I need a team, colleagues to work and gossip with. I need a purpose/occasion to put on makeup and dress up nicely, WORK is the best excuse and motivation!

Of course there'll be sacrifices to be made but I know what I want and need, so, yes I've made up my mind to work in a company, with colleagues, salary and benefits. Thanks. >,<

Thank God

     I just want to thank You Lord for keeping Pebble safe and healthy. Also, thank You for letting her be so active in my womb. I just pray, Father, that she'll be a smooth natural delivery. And You lead her in Your ways and let her be a happy girl.
     Pebble, mama also want to thank you for being healthy and active. Although sometimes you make mama feel unwell but papa and mama still loves you plenty plenty ya. MUACKS! Give you a smacking kiss! Love you so so much! =)

*SALE:BRAND NEW & PRELOVED*

*SALE:BRAND NEW & PRELOVED!*
There're apparels, accessories and beauty products.
If you're interested in any, email me at tanyunleiamanda@gmail.com

Vintage Hand-sewn Crocheted Cropped Top: $12

Vintage Hand-sewn Crocheted Beige Top: $12

Vintage Hand-sewn Crocheted Black Top: $12

Hottie Denim Shorts: $10 (BN)

Skirt 1: $5

Skirt 2: $5

Primark Belt: $4 (BN)

Anna: $9 (BN)

Amber: $5

Diana: $9 (BN)

Becca: $8 (BN)

Elegance: $8 (Earrings - BN)

Long Necklace 1: $5

Long Necklace 2: $5(SOLD!)

Long Necklace 3: $5

Hairband 1: $4

Hairband 2: $4 for both

Hairband 3: $3

Hairband 4: $3

Hairband 5: $3

Hairband 6: $3

Cath Kidston Rose Hand Cream(12ml): $4(SOLD!)

Sabai-Arom Hand Cream(75g): $10 each(BN)

Soap&Glory Sugar Crush Body Scrub(300ml): $20(BN)

Soap&Glory Flake Away Body Polish(50ml): $5(BN)
Soap&Glory The Righteous Butter(50ml): $5(BN)

Soap&Glory Butter Yourself(300ml): $18(BN)

Champneys Distant Shores Scrub & Body Butter Set: $40(BN)

Champneys Miracle Balm: $10(BN)

Karmakamet Handmade Soap(JOY): $15(SOLD!)

Bath & Bloom Hand Cream(35ml): $5 each.(BN)
If you buy as a set, it comes with a gift box.

Pebble and The Book Thingy - the NEW in my life

I'm 25 weeks pregnant now.
15 more weeks before the arrival of Pebble!
I realised that Pebble is very active yet very camera shy. Whenever I try to capture moments of her movements, she doesn't move. When I put the camera away, she'll move like crazy.

Yesterday night, I felt stretching pains in the right side of my tummy area. Naturally I rubbed it a little to try to soothe the pain.
Pebble then gave a sharp jab at that area, causing greater pain.
I was in such a pain that I bent down abruptly while walking. I think that shocked my Beee, I told him what happened and he immediately told Pebble off. And Pebble stopped kicking that area. Amazing, ain't it?

O ya, I'm starting my online business. Renting and selling second hand books online!~
It's called: The Book Thingy.
You guys can like and follow The Book Thingy on Facebook, Instagram, Carousel, Google+.
Here's our website: itsthebookthingy.blogspot.com. Do check it out ya!~

Ok, will update more soon!

Belated Belly Photo

Yes, this is a belated post.

Today is week 18 of my pregnancy.
These 2 photos are taken last week.
My baby bump is showing!!!
Pebble is much better now, not causing too much pain now.
Though I did hurt my neck last week, but it's due to bad sleeping position, so Pebble is innocent in this case.

Maybe because it's my first pregnancy, so it's kinda tough on me.
Physically, it's a huge toll on me, given my medical condition. Plus, my weak health constitution, it was worse.
And you know, physical affects mental and emotional. So, things ain't really rosy for me.
But I'm still happy and I thank God for giving me Pebble and my good husband who has been taking great care of me.

After going through so much changes, I truly believe God has His plans for us.
Jeremiah 29:11-13 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you.  And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart.
It's true. We plan and plan but in the end some of these plans alter due to the happenings around us.
These change of plans and decisions were scary but trusting in God and going with His flow brings better paths for us. Well, at least that's what I've experienced.

Now, Beee and I are looking forward to the arrival of Pebble.
So many things to prepare for this newborn.
I'm excited, nervous and fearful, but I'm trusting God to help us through.

It's been a long time...

Yes, it's been a long time since I blog.
Well, so much has happened over these couple of months.

The biggest issue is my visa. See, I was on spousal visa before I work in Berlitz. Then, Berlitz told me that they're gonna do a work visa for me, so, I had to discontinue my spousal visa.
Who knows, they screwed up and my work visa cannot be processed. So now, I lost my spousal visa and I don't have a work visa.
Well, maybe this is God's will.

Since I had to apply for tourist visa now in order to stay in Thailand, I've decided to apply for a 60 days tourist visa at the end of this month.
Then, by end May, I'll return to Singapore to prepare for delivery of our precious Pebble!~
EDD is mid August, so after that I'll be having one month confinement. Guess I'll only return to Bangkok in October.

I'm so friggin' excited! Looking forward to the arrival of Pebble!~

Pregger

I'm 8 weeks pregnant.

Yes, I know right? So unbelievable! But it is true.
Well, actually I'm not supposed to tell everyone about it before the first trimester is over, but heck, nobody reads my blog, so who cares man! I'm gonna write it here and now.

I AM PREGNANT!

When I first found out that I was pregnant was 3 weeks ago when I went back to Singapore for holiday. Of course, my hubby wasn't with me, he needs to work. So, yes, when I found out I was pregnant, he's not with me. Something that's sort of regretful, sort of.

So...why did I did the whole pregnancy test thingy?
Firstly, fatigue. It was so embarrassing when you're out with your friends and you're constantly yawning and eyelids drooping.
Next, my boobs swell and hurt. Big time. Never been that bad before.
Thought these are just PMS, but then, there's more.
No appetite and a drastic change of appetite. Thought it was a good thing to slim down a little.
Nausea. I'm always feeling nauseous, just that it was worse than before.
Missing of period. THIS was what got me thinking cos I've been tracking my period.

So yeah, I did 4 pregnancy tests, went to visit the gynecologist and yes, I was 5 weeks pregnant then.
Now, I'm in my week 8.
Hubby is excited and he talks to Pebble (it's a nickname we gave the baby) everyday.

So, yes, we're looking forward to the new life.

Our Pebble.

Networking DOES work!

I met Vintee for lunch last Thursday.
Well, as usual, we're chatting about people visiting and family pressure on getting us to work.
Then she mentioned that Berlitz(a famous language school) was looking for teachers and she went for interview. But the working hours were not in her favor and she wasn't really interested in teaching, so she declined the job offer.
She suggested me to email Berlitz my CV and see how things work.
Well, I did. And I got a reply almost immediately. So I was scheduled for a job interview the next day.
Well, the interview was a tad stressful though. But it all went well and I got the job!
I GOT IT! O well, it doesn't pay very well but it is ok, I don't mind much.
So, I just wanna say a HUGE thank you to Vintee for helping me out and seriously, networking DOES work!

Helios Dance

I had my hair dyed and highlighted yesterday.

I've always wanted to do this but because of the restrictions of my job in Singapore, I wasn't able to.
But now in Bangkok, I'm free to do what I want. Well, you can say this is my sign of rebellion after being restrained for so long.
I like this hair colour, it's like the Sun dance in my hair, vibrant and funky.

I present the Helios Dance in my hair.

Vibrancy of Life

I promise I will post the photos of the dinner at Maverick, just, not now.
I'm pretty tired of typing now, I've been typing these few weeks.
Well because I'm currently writing an online novel called The Deal. Yes, it's romance and love novel. Typical girl, yeah I know. But this is the kind of story we girls love!
Ok, just go take a look and read. I'm in the process of writing the story. Basically, each post feature one chapter of the story. So, just keep a lookout for it yeah.

Check it out at:
anendlessdiamondsky.blogspot.com

It's 5 years since...

Yups, it's been 5 years since I had my first job interview.
I've stayed in my workplace for 5 years that I've never had another interview. This time I'm still in the education industry, but at another place.
I pray that all goes well and I'll be able to get the job. Yes, I pinned high hopes on this job.
But everything goes according to God's will because He knows what's best for me.
Look at my outfit for the job interview!

'First Lady'. Duty calls...

Yes, you read right.
First Lady's duty.

Yesterday one of Beee's supplier invited us for dinner at Baan Nam Kieng Din. It was surprising for us because, one: suppliers normally invite executive chef to dinner. My Beee ain't executive chef, yet. Two: even if supplier wants to invite chefs to dinner, it'll be all chefs, not just my Beee.

Anyway, I was invited too.
I thought men talk business, women stay out of it?
But o well, I was invited and at first I was kinda bored by the idea of having to put on a smile even on a Sunday, my Beee's day off. I thought it was a time of rest and dating for us, just the two of us.
However, as I've mentioned in my previous posts, I'm a 贤内助 and since the very envious executive chef of Beee says that I'm a suitable candidate for First Lady, then I'll show them that I am in fact truly able to fulfill that position.
Therefore, I agreed to the dinner invitation(not as if I have any choice since Beee won't attend dinner without me).

Baan Nam Kieng Din is a very beautiful place. A very relaxing ambience, with mini pastures, mini windmills, outdoor dining and animals. The only down side is that there's plenty of mozzies there. I think I fed them well, my legs have evidence of them enjoying their meal.

Food at Baan Nam Kieng Din was really good, but as usual, the men ordered too much. So I entered food coma after a while.
I took some pictures, take a look!

So, from now on, I think it's gonna be First Lady, duty calls~

Fabulous Friday & Smashing Saturday

Today was truly well-spent.

First it was tarot reading with this honest-looking uncle. 
Well, the reading was the same as the tarot reading I had in Singapore. 
Basically the reading says my life is a good one. I crave for progress and I'll go from one place to another. Every time I move, it will be better than the previous one. And I do not need to worry about my finances. However, always remember to be humble and contented, do not be greedy. After this period of rest, when I work again, it will be tough for me as I'll have more responsibilities. Quoting his words "When the baby comes along, you'll be very tired. You need to work and take care of baby but the rewards are high." So, he meant, I'll have kids. He says baby will come next mid-year, so let's see if it comes true. I'm quite skeptical though. 

Then next, its about Beee's work. He says that Beee works hard and focus on his work that he forgets about things and people around him yet he will be highly appreciated by his boss. Others will admire/envy him, so I guess he meant that there will be some green-eye monsters in his workplace. He also mentioned that Beee will be highly sought after by other companies. Basically, Beee's career will be quite sucessful. Well, I hope that's true.
Well, that's all I asked today, about our careers and starting a family.

After the tarot reading, I met up with Elina, Evelyn and Stefania.
It was great meeting up with Le Wives. We always have so much to chat about.
O and we watched a movie together, a show about time travelling and how it affects one's life and the lives of the people around him. Movie title is 'About Time'. Great movie. Didn't expected it to be that good.

Yesterday's TGIF dinner at the Maverick was totally fabulous. Everyone had fun and they enjoyed the food and company. I got to meet quite a few newcomers and the editors of Expat Ladies Magazine. Also, I got to know a rich man who bought over a huge property company. He's a Singaporean. So, I'm definitely happy to meet someone from my hometown. 

Beee's colleagues commented that I'm suitable to be the First Lady, organizing activities and socializing. But I truly like organizing events, socializing and networking with people. You never know when you need their favours. Getting to know more people and bringing them together is a fun thing to do. And if everyone enjoys the event, I feel proud and satisfied. 

Maybe I should consider going into the field of public relations and events planning. I'm sure I'll love it.
But o well, just hold that thought first, nothing concrete.

I'm going for job interview next tuesday. All the best to me and may God bless me with this job. (with good pay and welfare, please!)

Time to go iron my clothes. Time to be the good housewife again. Bleah.

A Force Of The Universe

We made love today, in the afternoon.

It was special and unusual. 
It made my abdomen and womb churned, made my toes curled.
I felt waves and waves of excitement in my body and soul. It was like a burst of energy and force that exploded in me. 
I clung onto him, physically and mentally, it was a phenomenal experience for me.

I wonder why.
.
.
.
And did he feel the same way too?

2B

I found another great place to work on my writing.
A cafe with a library beside it, condusive for writing my book and blog.
It's called 2B Bake & Brew Cafe.
Food could be better but the wifi speed is good, so heck the food and cheers to the wifi.
It's a great place if you need to work online or just need some quietness to read and think.
Well, for me, it's both.
Why am I here at 2B Bake & Brew Cafe today is beacuse I'm meeting Pallavi to discuss about our Expats' Wives Club Facebook page. Hosting the club on Meetup costs a bit, so I'm hoping we can use facebook to help us.

2B Bake & Brew Cafe

The library beside the cafe

Ok, time to return to my latest read: The Timekeeper by Mitch Albom.
Till next time.

Work and Socialize

I'm starting to get kinda bored and worried at the same time.

Bored, because although I have made quite a number of friends here, but still, I don't like to go out and socialize all day. 
Worried, because I wanna work and earn my own keep. I feel sort of 'crippled' without working.

So, I've arranged a job interview. It's for a teaching position in this girls boarding school.
Well, teaching Chinese and English. Hopefully, I don't have to work long hours, I just wanna work for a few hours and be a lady of leisure for the rest of the day. 
That's the ideal for me. But then again, being a teacher is a 24/7 job, isn't it? 
Well, at least in Singapore, that's the case. I'm not sure about Bangkok though. 
Hopefully, it's different from Singapore.

I am still actively socializing with the people here. I cannot help but stressed again that 'networking' is extremely important here.

I've arranged a dinner at Maverick for my Expats' Wives Club. Some editors and events director of the Expat Ladies Magazine are coming over to join us. So, I'm gonna maximize my skills as a social butterfly again. Up-ing my social value, it's the socialite way.

Starting a Facebook page for my Expats' Wives Club as well. Engaging the help of Pallavi, one of my club members. She's very kind to offer to help us. ;)

Tomorrow will be a day of laundry and ironing of clothes. Oh yes, and coffee with Pallavi.
Can't wait~